It seems that even with the ups it was inevitable that there were going to be downs. With things starting to look up and some evident improvements, there were still many dark days and moments. When things are going well you think it will always be that way. The same way when things are bad you think it’s permanent too. Each day and week brought its own individual challenge which always had highs and lows. 

Over the last month I have experienced amazing days and truly terrible days. I think the bad days humble me, they remind me that I still have a long way to go, that life is a continuous journey of improvement. The good days make me feel grateful. I appreciate the amazing things in my life and enjoy the good times. A few months ago I felt like I didn’t have any good times, therefore I saw improvement.

I find myself reflecting more, I am curious to learn and gain new skills. One of the biggest factors on the tough days for me is getting ahead of myself and trying to speed up the process I am on. I have always been someone who overthinks and worries. This is extremely evident for me on my bad days. I start to worry about the future, I worry about travelling again, being away from home, and not being able to compete and enjoy it. My body tenses up and my breathing gets quicker as I start to think ahead. Memories from the last year flood through, I feel like I am back there and reliving it. Then the thoughts rush through my head. What if I never get through this? What if I always feel this way? What if I can’t go back to doing what I love? 

The challenge for me is to answer these questions, to answer them with rational answers and not let my emotions take over. I find it hard to get away from the past. It’s like I have this fear that rules over me. At times feeling it controls me and in a way tries to protect me. This is something I am working through. I remind myself of times when I have tried new things. This summer I tried paddle boarding for the first time. I fell off many times. I didn’t love being thrown under the cold water, but it didn’t stop me from getting back on the board and challenging myself to get better. I guess that’s the logic over emotional thinking. 

I try to tell myself that everything I have been through and continue to go through will make me a stronger person, give me new skills and strategies. It’s hard to see that at the moment, the long term view can become clouded. In the present moment I have these thoughts that it still doesn’t bring back my dad, still doesn’t heal my scars from over the last year and still doesn’t make me happy now. 

I have found it hard how an amazing day where I feel so great is followed up by a day where I am so miserable and is filled with many tears. I guess that’s part of the healing but I continue to count the good days and I see that as improvement. There have been many more good moments and times than in previous months. I don’t feel guilty when I enjoy myself anymore and I allow myself to be happy rather than self-inflicted pain.