Those deep thoughts always seem to come at night. Just when you are in bed and ready to go to sleep, your brain goes into overdrive and it seems impossible to switch off. Thoughts racing and ideas spiralling, the kind that seem to always keep you awake.
I have had this a lot recently, although not the normal thoughts I am used to. Typically I would think about what challenges I will face the next day, things I can do to be a better athlete or situations that happened during the day. Recently all my thoughts have been about life. It feels like a puzzle I want to solve but it is impossible to complete as some pieces are missing.
I wonder if these thoughts have come because my life has changed a tremendous amount in the last few years. Maybe my perspective has changed. Life means a little more now. Happiness is a priority and maybe before it wasn’t. It makes sense why my brain doesn’t stop, it is curious, trying to figure these things out. I sometimes feel like I am in abit of an identity crisis.
When you chase after something, it also highlights what you don’t have. I went through a long period where I was unhappy and while I worked on things to help this, this at times was a constant reminder of feeling numb and missing the feeling of happiness. There is no hiding from comparisons, they are everywhere, social media probably being the worst for it. But if there is one thing I have learnt and thought about life over the last year, it’s that comparison is often impossible and a waste of time.
We all have issues, but these issues come at different times. Take my life a few years ago; a successful amateur golf career, high grades in school, a loving family and getting ready to live my childhood dream of being a professional golfer. Fast forward a couple of years.. I feel like my whole life crashed around me. Struggling with my personal life and my career. I could sit here and compare my life to my friends, those who I have played golf with, competed against and grew up with. It would all be pointless. We all have struggles, issues, challenges but they come at different times. Our timelines in life are so different. The one thing that is similar is the ability to not give up, to work through the issues and to find ways to cope.
Life is strange. It’s like driving on a road you have never been on before. There will be straight stretches of road, also twists and turns, but you don’t know what comes next. You could be driving though some corners and need to take it slower. Or on a stretch of road that is straight, it feels very easy and you can go fast. But you never know when you have to slow down and what will be around the next corner.
The more I think about it, it seems when things are going well you never think they will be bad and when things are going bad you think they will never be good again. Life is endlessly complicated and nobody has it easy all the time.
The one thing these late night thoughts have taught me is that we can never look at anyone else’s life at a given time and compare ourselves or wish we had their life. You never know what is around the corner and there will always be twists and turns, you have to just keep driving…
One response to “Late Night Thoughts-”
Hi Olivia, your driving the ball well now, the odd fairway missed, but over all your life is on the up. Your strength of character is shinning through, and resulting in a strong resilient mind and body.
Love and best wishes from your Fermanagh fan.